Do you remember those moments when you started something new?  Say seventh grade?  Which polo shirt to wear on your first day of junior high?  Collar up or collar down?  And locker combination…would I forget it?

Or what about going off to college?  Would I like my roommates?  What if I sleep walk?  What if they eat all of my Tostitoes chips and salsa?  Would they do THAT?  (Yes, I really worried about that.  Until I met Heather and Laura.  Then, I knew I was in good hands and these gals would become dear, dear friends of mine.)

What about when you said, “I do” to the man you knew you wanted to be with for the rest of your life, but…you were a little nervous about the unknown?  Seriously, preacher?  The rest of my life?  Ummmm…what if I get mad at him?  I can’t pretend I didn’t hear the phone ring anymore when he’d try to call back after an argument.  Because we would be living under the same roof.  And there would be no phone to let ring and ring and ring if I was still mad.  Because he would be right there.  In the same room as me.

Yes.  All of those unknowns.  No matter if I was eleven, seventeen, or twenty-six, I was nervous when it came to moments in my life where I didn’t know how the next steps where going to go.  But I always had this little seed (sometimes it was only the size of a pea) of faith within me.  I KNEW it was going to be okay.

For that faith, I’m thankful.  Because I’ve grown up knowing that God has the perfect plan for me.  He has one for each of us.  One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11 ” ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ”

And with twenty-four days until school starts, my mind has been worrying.  Fearful.  BOTH of our boys will be in school.  Nate will start fourth grade and our baby, Maxim, will begin kindergarten.  And. I. will. be. home. ALONE.  As in ALL ALONE.

What is a mom to do with her boys in school?

Last year, I had taken the year off from teaching to be home more with the boys.  And in January, Hubby and I decided that I’d take a second year off (this fall). Well, with this fear of the unknown, I’ve second guessed my decision we made back in January.  Did I make a mistake?  Maybe I should have tried to get back into teaching at my school I’ve worked at for the past ten plus years.  Or maybe I should have tried to get a job and teach at Prairie?  Wouldn’t teaching in the same school as my boys be just perfect?  I’ve always thought it would be.

But.  Over the past year, I’ve had this growing desire to write.  Hence, the blog.  And I’ve been writing some…well…chapters.  As in, eleven or twelve chapters.  Maybe more.  For possibly a book.

My self-doubting, always questioning, fearful self wants to quickly revert to what I know and what I’m used to.  But if I don’t try this unknown, I will never know. I realize that by sharing all of this, I’m spilling some of my secret dreams and wishes.  (That is frightening, too.  Because that book.  It may never get written.  And if it does.  You may never read it.  Or like it.)

I think we’ve all been there.  Questioning life.  Wondering if we’re making the right choices.  This writing gig.  It may work out.  It may not.  Who knows?  By November, I could be back into teaching.  And I would love that.  Honestly.

But right now.  I have to trust God.  Sometimes, it’s the smallest seed of faith that He waters and allows to grow into the biggest dream that even we couldn’t imagine.

I hope that by sharing this, I’m encouraging you.  Maybe there is something you are fearful of.  Nervous about trying.  We are given this one life.  If you don’t try it.  You’ll never know.  And pushing fear aside is something God can help us do.  Ask Him.  He’s got the perfect plan.  Trust Him.  Then, we just need to wait and watch our dreams grow.